Jono82 wrote:Q: A Man United supporter (from Manchester), the Tooth fairy, Santa Claus and a blind man are walking down the road when one of them spots a £20 note... who gets it?
A: The blind man... the other 3 are fictional characters
Jokes for rival teams
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ComeOnYouBlues
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Q: How many Man U fans does it take to pave up a driveway?
A: Depends how thin you slice them.
Q. What do you call a Manchester United fan with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
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Q: What do you call a Chelsea fan on the moon?
A: A Problem.
Q: What do you call 100 Chelsea fans on the moon?
A: An even bigger problem.
Q: What do you call all the Chelsea fans on the moon?
A: Problem solved
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A: Depends how thin you slice them.
Q. What do you call a Manchester United fan with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
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Q: What do you call a Chelsea fan on the moon?
A: A Problem.
Q: What do you call 100 Chelsea fans on the moon?
A: An even bigger problem.
Q: What do you call all the Chelsea fans on the moon?
A: Problem solved
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delfino_1936
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Q: What do Haemhorroids and Man United Fans have in common?
A: They're both a complete pain in the bum and never seem to go away completely
Q: How many Everton fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't matter, cos they're all condemned to eternal darkness anyway.
Q: What is black and white and black and white and black and white?
A: A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill
A: They're both a complete pain in the bum and never seem to go away completely
Q: How many Everton fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't matter, cos they're all condemned to eternal darkness anyway.
Q: What is black and white and black and white and black and white?
A: A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill
Last edited by Jono82 on Wed Oct 24, 2007 2:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.
A primary teacher starts a new job at a school on Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asks: "Well, if you're not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a Manchester United fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a United fan?"
"Because my mum and dad are from Manchester, and my mum is a United fan and my dad is a United fan, so I'm a United fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a United fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time.
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?"
"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."
She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asks: "Well, if you're not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a Manchester United fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a United fan?"
"Because my mum and dad are from Manchester, and my mum is a United fan and my dad is a United fan, so I'm a United fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a United fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time.
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?"
"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."
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Raich Carter
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A Bloke walks into a bric-a-brac shop and sees an ornamental brass rat, the sort of thing women of a certain age love to put on the mantlepiece. He thinks "that'll be perfect for his Mother's birthday", so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
"£25 for the rat, £100 for the story", replies the man.
"Forget the story" says the bloke, and so buys the rat for 25 quid. He walks off down the road, but has not gone 30 yards when a rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff. He throws the brass rat over, and millions of rats follow, one after each other, plunging to certain death. The bloke them runs back to shop.....
"Aaaah", says the shop keeper, "you'll be back for the story"
"Screw the story - do you have a brass Chelsea fan?"
"£25 for the rat, £100 for the story", replies the man.
"Forget the story" says the bloke, and so buys the rat for 25 quid. He walks off down the road, but has not gone 30 yards when a rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff. He throws the brass rat over, and millions of rats follow, one after each other, plunging to certain death. The bloke them runs back to shop.....
"Aaaah", says the shop keeper, "you'll be back for the story"
"Screw the story - do you have a brass Chelsea fan?"
When I am king, you will be first against the wall
With your opinion which is of no consequence at all
With your opinion which is of no consequence at all
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Raich Carter
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Quasimodo asks Esmeralda, "Am I really the ugliest b**tard in the world?"
"Why don't you go upstairs to the Magic Mirror and ask ?" says Esmeralda.
Quasimodo goes upstairs to the mirror and returns a few minutes later.
As he hobbles in Esmeralda asks "Well, what did the mirror say?"
To which Quasimodo replies, "Who's the F*#k is Carlos Tevez?"
"Why don't you go upstairs to the Magic Mirror and ask ?" says Esmeralda.
Quasimodo goes upstairs to the mirror and returns a few minutes later.
As he hobbles in Esmeralda asks "Well, what did the mirror say?"
To which Quasimodo replies, "Who's the F*#k is Carlos Tevez?"
When I am king, you will be first against the wall
With your opinion which is of no consequence at all
With your opinion which is of no consequence at all
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ComeOnYouBlues
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ComeOnYouBlues
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Arnold the Derby fan is walking his dog one day, when he sees an old lamp. He bends down to pick it up, and starts to rub it to clean it. Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, "I am the economy-price genie?" I grant but one wish".
Arnold thinks for a while, and then says, "Make my dog Wanchope, win Crufts." The genie looks at Wanchope and says, "Don't be stupid, look at the thing. It's mangy, it's got fleas, it's got a bit missing from one eat it limps and it smells. I might be a genie, but I'm not a miracle worker." "All right then," says Arnold, "Make Derby County win the Premier League." The genie stops for a moment, then says, "Let's have another look at that dog again.
Arnold thinks for a while, and then says, "Make my dog Wanchope, win Crufts." The genie looks at Wanchope and says, "Don't be stupid, look at the thing. It's mangy, it's got fleas, it's got a bit missing from one eat it limps and it smells. I might be a genie, but I'm not a miracle worker." "All right then," says Arnold, "Make Derby County win the Premier League." The genie stops for a moment, then says, "Let's have another look at that dog again.
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delfino_1936
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The seven dwarfs are down in the mines when there is a cave-in.
Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them.
In the distance a voice shouts out "Arsenal" are good enough to win the European Cup."
Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"
Q: Why do housewives love Arsenal?
A: Because they stay on top for ages and come second!
why do they call wenger hitler?
because he cant win in europe either.
Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them.
In the distance a voice shouts out "Arsenal" are good enough to win the European Cup."
Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"
Q: Why do housewives love Arsenal?
A: Because they stay on top for ages and come second!
why do they call wenger hitler?
because he cant win in europe either.
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delfino_1936
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Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Q: What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs Prison?
A: They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.
Sir Alex is queuing in his local building society, when a gunman bursts in through the door demanding money. Ferguson attempts to tackle the raider, but gets knocked over...as he falls, his head smashes the counter and Sir Alex is out cold. The robber escapes and the cashier tries to revive Ferguson. After a few minutes he comes round and looks bewildered. His first words are "Where the hell am I?". The Cashier replies: "don't worry, its ok, you're in the Nationwide." Ferguson replies, "F**k me, is it May already?"
Q. What do you call a Manchester United fan with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Q: What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs Prison?
A: They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.
Sir Alex is queuing in his local building society, when a gunman bursts in through the door demanding money. Ferguson attempts to tackle the raider, but gets knocked over...as he falls, his head smashes the counter and Sir Alex is out cold. The robber escapes and the cashier tries to revive Ferguson. After a few minutes he comes round and looks bewildered. His first words are "Where the hell am I?". The Cashier replies: "don't worry, its ok, you're in the Nationwide." Ferguson replies, "F**k me, is it May already?"
Q. What do you call a Manchester United fan with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
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delfino_1936
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It's not called the Nationwide anymore. That's how old that joke is.Rigoni 10 wrote:Sir Alex is queuing in his local building society, when a gunman bursts in through the door demanding money. Ferguson attempts to tackle the raider, but gets knocked over...as he falls, his head smashes the counter and Sir Alex is out cold. The robber escapes and the cashier tries to revive Ferguson. After a few minutes he comes round and looks bewildered. His first words are "Where the hell am I?". The Cashier replies: "don't worry, its ok, you're in the Nationwide." Ferguson replies, "F**k me, is it May already?"
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glasgowrangers
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