It's been too long since we took a peek into the mad world of The Neviller. So here's the man with a moustache like a squirrel's tail who's very proud of being crowned champions of Europe...
SATURDAY MARCH 3
Diiiiiirty, diiiiiirty Scousers. Once again Gary Alexander The Great Neville and the bestest club in the whole wide world have triumphed against the evil Liverpool Reds and their evil capitalist American owners. And we sooooo deserved it. We could easily have scored a million goals. And Shabby Alonso went down like a dirty, dirty Scouser.
I was back in the team after Sir kindly gave me a little rest against Fulham and Reading. He's so kind and thoughtful and I gave him an embroidered handkerchief (SAF) to say thank you. He dropped it in the mud but I picked it up, washed it and posted it under his door.
He's a tactical genius because I was man of the match against Loserpool.
SUNDAY MARCH 4
Watched Match of the Day 427 times to see me jump on Big Edwin when we scored. You can't tell on telly that I did a little sex wee. Moustache looked very bushy - like a squirrel's tail.
MONDAY MARCH 5
Combed moustache with Phil's toothbrush.
TUESDAY MARCH 6
We're playing the Frenchies again tomorrow and Louis Louis has taught me some phrases to make them feel silly - 'J'ai un pénis qui est très petit et ma moustache est tout simplement ridicule' and 'J'aimerais bien jouer pour Liverpool, à mon avis Liverpool c'est le meilleur équipe du monde'. That'll teach them to mess with Gary Alexander Neville.
WEDNESDAY MARCH 7
We won...of course. We usually do. I was brilliant again. I am definitely the best right-back in the world and it's not just my mum that thinks so. Dad thinks so too though he did mutter something about Zambrotta. Isn't that a motorbike? Mum won't let me have a motorbike. Or a skateboard. Or a chemistry set. I shall appeal the decision.
The Frenchies laughed nervously and pointed defensively when I said my phrases. they obviously felt very silly. This time maybe Sir won't shout at me, make me cry and leave me with snot on my lovely red shirt.
THURSDAY MARCH 8
Wearing red pants again today. But they say 'FRIDAY' on them as I couldn't find 'THURSDAY'. Gave mum a Chinese burn.
FRIDAY MARCH 9
Told Sir I would play as a striker with Wazza if I wasn't already playing in the most important position on the pitch and nobody else can be trusted to play there. He laughed and walked aay shaking his head. I think he's been drinking that cold tea again.
I will miss Henrik - he didn't play tricks on me like Rio, who said I'd been 'merked' when he cut the gloves out of my jacket. I asked mum what that means and she says that it means that I'm mummy's favourite boy.
She read 'Managing My Life' to me as a bedtime story and did all the voices. She's very good at Steve Bruce but struggles with Gordon Strachan. Dreamt of David. Oh and we're playing Roma in Europe. I looked them up and they play in Italy. I don't like pasta except when it's Thomas Tank-shaped.
SATURDAY MARCH 10
We played a little team called, I think, Middlesbrough, today and for some reason they were allowed to play in red! How can that be allowed? I would write to Brian Barwick, but he still hasn't replied to my letter about there being too many Scousers in the England team when Wes Brown and Kieran Richardson are both better than any Scouser. They must be because they play for a much better team than England.
Anyway, we didn't win (boo!) but we did draw and I was brilliant. Apparently their left-winger Stewart Downing has played for England (I never noticed him)! I rest my case.
SUNDAY MARCH 11
Dreamt that I kissed a girl with tongues (yuk) and woke up screaming and crying. Mum rocked me back off to sleep and promised that I would never, ever have to kiss a girl because everyone knows girls smell.
MONDAY MARCH 12
When we beat Middlesbrough, we will play some team called Watford in the FA Cup. Whoford, more like!! We're going to win the Treble again. It's the biggest travesty of the season that we were denied the Quadruple when Sir didn't play me against Southend and that gypsy scored a free-kick. Hopefully, Sir has learned his lesson.
TUESDAY MARCH 13
We are the champions of Europe again! It's just like 1999 again. We beat the Europe XI 4-3 and I was brilliant in the first half against the best players in the world. They didn't even have a proper moustache between them and as for Zambrotta, he's an even worse right-back than Silly Billy Philly. And Wes Brown. And Phil B***ardsley.
I did a sex wee when I saw David. He didn't even look at me - it's obviously as hard for him as it is for me to be apart. It took the shine off being champions of Europe again. That bitch was with him.
that moustache is worse than his overlap runs and crosses past ronaldo
